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Loss

25 Jan

Warning: This post contains references to blood and other medical…stuff.

I wasn’t sure whether I was going to post about this…or if I should wait and mention it more casually…but I find it healing to write about things and what is a blog for, after all, if not to talk about life?

Back in December I took a pregnancy test. To my delight, it was positive. I was so excited; I’ve been wanting another child for some time now. Having had a miscarriage before Stiggy came along, though, my excitement was quickly replaced by quiet hope and no small amount of worry. I quickly made an appointment at the GP’s to get my antenatal care going and I tried to keep my stress levels down. This was not easy, though. My husband was not as thrilled about the pregnancy as I was, and I felt a bit lonely. There were other things going on that did little to keep me calm as well.

After a few weeks, I began to wonder if in fact I was pregnant. Initially, I felt very pregnant. I had a bit of nausea and some light-headedness, and mild cramping, which is normal for me. Then it went away. Then it came back, but less. Then it went away. Repeat. And I wasn’t feeling the growing pains that I did with Stiggy.

On the 14th, when I was about 8 weeks, I went to bed feeling fine. I was awoken out of a deep sleep at 2:30 am with horrible stomach pains. It was high up, so I knew it wasn’t the baby. The pain was horrendous. It was an on and off clenching pain that became unbearable. My shoulder was also hurting, which worried me as this can be a symptom of an ectopic pregnancy. My husband gave me some soluble Paracetamol (Acetaminophen), which I did not manage to keep down for long.

By 8 am I couldn’t take any more, so we headed off to A&E. We dropped Stiggy off at my husband’s cousin’s house beforehand. The ONLY good thing I can say for the A&E department is that they didn’t keep me waiting long in the waiting room. I was promptly taken in for assessment. My blood pressure was something like 157 over some number. I have never been over 124. My temp was ok. I was then taken to a gurney with no pillow or blanket. A nurse came and inserted a venflon (IV).

The nurse returned with 2 syringes: Cyclizine (anti-nausea) and Morphine. I told him I did not want Morphine, I would rather suffer. He began lecturing me about how the pain I was in was causing stress to the baby, blah, blah, blah. I don’t want Morphine. I have funny reactions to strong drugs, and I did not want it. I asked for IV Paracetamol instead. He made a little grunt. He gave me the Cyclizine, which I was happy to take. Within about 3 seconds I had the strangest sensation of falling into myself. My eyes began to water and my body began to curl up. It was scary, but not altogether unpleasant. The nurse said, ‘That happens sometimes.’ Amazingly, the horrible pain vanished. Completely. I don’t think the nurse believed me at first, but when I went totally limp and stopped squirming, I think he realised the pain had gone. And it did not return.

Away with the fairies, I waited. For hours. They said they wanted to do a scan to check for an ectopic and a scan to check my gall bladder. I asked for a blanket and waited some more. I began to feel feverish. I told the doctor who did nothing. I was terribly parched; my mouth felt like it was full of cotton. I was told I could not drink in case I needed surgery, but no drip was put up.

Finally, I was transferred to the gynaecology ward where I was reassessed. I had a fever. I asked for a drip and was given one, along with some paracetamol tablets. I was given a real bed with two pillows. With an aching back and neck, I waited.

The doctor came and said my blood results had come back and were fine. It probably wasn’t my gall bladder, but they wanted to see how my first scan went. I waited.

My scan was scheduled for 2pm. At 2:45pm I was wheeled down to maternity scan where I waited until 4pm. My husband didn’t want to come in for the scan, but I talked him into it.

The baby was not ectopic. And there was in fact, a baby, despite my feeling so sure there wasn’t. A little tiny bean baby, heart beating away. I was told I was not 8 weeks, more like 7 weeks and a few days. I was given a picture and my husband wheeled me back to the ward (I would have had to wait about half an hour for the porters, so he took me himself).

They could not explain the stomach pains. I was kept overnight because of the fever. They took more blood to be cultured, which came back fine. Probably a virus, they said. The doctor also said that other abdominal problems can cause shoulder discomfort. Good to know.

The next day (Friday), I went home, still not feeling well, but happy and relieved. I was in fact pregnant, and the baby was fine! And best of all, my husband was even a little excited.

That evening, all three (4?) of us lay in bed talking, reading stories, playing little games. My husband phoned a cousin (he has many), and told him our news.

Before bed, I went to wash up and noticed a little pink. Well, I tried not to panic. The sonographer had said that I had a bit of fluid behind the womb which often causes bleeding. And I had had a little spotting with Stiggy.

The next morning I had a real spot. The spotting continued and I developed some mild pains, on and off. The few mild pregnancy symptoms I had disappeared. On Wednesday I phoned the doctor. I was seen right away and a scan was arranged. I had 2 scans and was told there was no heartbeat. Having been ill, they weren’t happy leaving it to conservative management, i.e., they wanted to intervene. I went for the medical management, so was given a tablet to take then, and would be given 2 more of a different medication on Friday. I would have to spend the day on the ward to be monitored.

Fortunately, the first tablet set things in motion and I did not have to go back for the second set of tablets. Unfortunately, the whole process has been a nightmare. It was not at all like my first miscarriage, which happened quickly. The pain has been horrible and I’ve been so scared. I passed the pregnancy, but the pains continued and actually got worse, as did the bleeding. I felt a bit sick and as if something wasn’t right. The next day I passed more (and hopefully all) of the pregnancy. I’m still having some mild pain and my back is killing me, but I feel calmer, and the bleeding is less.

I’ve been told to take a pregnancy test in 2 weeks. If it’s negative, I’m fine. This is the extent of my after care.

To make matters worse, our beloved cat has gone missing. (See photo a few posts down) He’s been gone for 3 days.

I’ve been on my feet today, which has been good. I need to try and do some ‘normal’ things…I’m so tired of sitting and lying around.

I would like to thank Surf the Channel…I’ve watched over 2o episodes of Desperate Housewives, (and am now caught up) which helped to keep me distracted.

Most of all I’d like to thank my family and Lynn, who have been so supportive and helpful. They’ve provided me with childcare, food, flowers, distraction, laughter, company, prayers, and wisdom. My husband has been amazing- he’s done everything and has only complained a little. 🙂

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6 Comments

Posted by on January 25, 2009 in Family Life, Michelle

 

6 responses to “Loss

  1. Mama B

    January 25, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    Words fail me with losses. I always just offer a shoulder and a hug.

    (((hugs)))

     
  2. Suji

    January 26, 2009 at 7:06 am

    You are a very brave person Michelle. Very brave. Sending you positive vibes and a long distance hug. You take care okay?

     
  3. Clare

    January 29, 2009 at 12:06 am

    Michelle, I am so, so sorry. I hope you are feeling better with the pain. I hope that posting about it helped. Lots of best wishes for you and your family.
    Clare x

     
  4. michelle

    January 29, 2009 at 11:52 pm

    I am sorry for your loss. My sister has had 4 miscarriages. Three before her daughter was born and one after. She would really like another child. I hope everything works out for you.

     
  5. Lynn

    January 30, 2009 at 10:34 am

    what a precious picture Michelle.
    LX

     
  6. Umm Khadijah

    February 8, 2009 at 7:58 pm

    Assalamu ‘alaykum
    My heart goes out to you sis, you have been very brave masha’Allaah. hope you start feeling better soon insha Allaah. Keep positive, and insha Allaah Allaah will bestow upon you another child when the time is right.
    Tk care
    x

     

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